holla. . .

so wat i m doin late at night? well, nothing. i juz cudnt put maself to slp. and i did some studyin juz now. ma prelims is on monday. and the real question is, am i prepared? well, frankly, i dont think so. i still got the fear dat i aint gonna make it. and the fact dat i didnt really put extra much effort. rite. im such a jerk. its like seemingly, i have no sense of any urgency at all. i really need like 10 tight slap from the back of the hand. any takers? damn. . .

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school today was ok. durin ss, mr roy confessed of wat he feel towards the class. i can see dat he was bein real emo on the inside. damn. and like, im quite surprised to see the class are not even seem to care bout it. some were still talkin away and some went to sleep. he let it all out sia. well, seems like i care. but the question is, do i really care? well, i also duno. hmm. nwy, i didnt get the chance to see or even talk to arfah today. we didnt mit and i didnt call. oh well. and seein the bitemarks, which is still red and a lil swollen, i had on ma left arm made me kept thinkin of her. i feel like callin her like right now but i doubt she's still awake. maybe i'll try ma luck after i wrote dis entry. anw, watched smallville. and its like dis is the third last episode. rite. well, i like dis episode. its bout dis baby, dat clark and lana found, who was agein rapidly. he turned a 16 years old teen from bein a 7 years old kid within 24 hours. damn its fast. and like, eventually he was dead as he kept on agein. and like, the kid whose name was Evan, regard clark as his father. and so i tot, me as clark, who gona be Evan? haha. rite. maybe one day i'll find one. . .

oh yea. if you watch smallville and cud rmbr, 'the flash' appeared on the sixth episode. and to tell you, 'batman', too, will be appearin in the last episode of dis season. . .

so check dat out. . .

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nwy, sometimes im stressin ma own self about things dat i shudnt really be stressin about. and, i know for me bein like dat wud be affected to many ppl ard me. i apologise for dat. i duno is this the real me or is it the sickness i have in me dat make me go dis way. once in a while, i do really forget of who i really m. even ma own name i cudnt remember. even things dat happen a minute ago wud makes me have difficulties to remember. and even im writin dis entry makes me hard to think of wat did i do today. honestly, it have been an hour now. is it happenin now? is dis wat the doc meant by sayin things MAY got worst? gosh. and now, i've lost some friends dat i dun even know im losin them. ive realised dat more and more often, im in a daze and daydreamin. and when im studyin or readin a book nowadays, i noticed dat the words dat i have juz read, nothing has been goin into ma mind. its like, im juz readin it without understandin it. i have to like read it more den thrice or so den will i be able to understand wat it says. and i dun even know im bein such an ignorant. i noticed dat i dun seem to even know wat am i doin. and, me bein like dis, affectin so many ppl. sucks. i may go crazy and lose ma mind one day. and, ever since in '98, the word 'DEATH' have always been in ma mind, thinkin dat i will commit suicide one day. on the real, im not dead yet. eventually i will but on GOD'S hand. but, i juz cudnt help maself to be sufferrin all the time. for how long shud i wait? i juz wish i cud be dead now. and im still waitin for some tragic accident to occur onto me. . .

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im not askin for sympathy. please. i dun deserve it anw. all im askin for now is to juz understand it. not for wat i m bein, but for wat i m goin thru. sometimes wat you see in me, and me doin dis and dat, i duno if i really does dat. but in any case, for anyone dat matters, i wud like to say im sorry. . .

and arfah, i miss you. . .

-out-

.:fad<35>arf:.