im bored. im sick. im screwed. . .

besides crackin ma head to do dnt, boredom is all im livin with in here. . .

i wanna go out but i cant. . .

not dat i cant, i dun wan. . .

coz im juz lazy. . .

yes. . .

im a lazybum. . .

dats wat i m. . .

its in ma blood. . .

wat can i say?

anyways,

life for me is suck. . .

i wanna die but ppl wants me to live. . .

i wanna go but ppl wants me to stay. . .

is dis wat they called, 'love'?

tell me about it. . .

i never know wat love is until arfah came up into ma life. . .

really. . .

so, which one of you, who's not arfah, actuali showin me love?

do you know wats the meanin of 'love' actuali?

are you tellin me you love me?

let me tell you. . .

there's no reason to be loved but there's a reason why one shud be loved. . .

i know. . .

but do you all know dat?

so am i bein loved coz you have to?

or its for real?

tell me. . .

but i think im hatin you already. . .

hatred in me to you is developin caused by ur actions. . .

have you ever thought of dat?

me to hate you?

have you?

hate me pls like you dun need me. . .

or stop actin like you care. . .

and wud you stop not lettin me go?

i wanna go for a deep sleep. . .

so deep dat its hard for me to even wake up. . .

i wanna go miles away from bein livin. . .

so far away dat i cant find ma way back to life. . .

i wanna be free. . .

free ma soul from the life the body suffers. . .

but before i go,

i wanna have the last sight of the sunset. . .

the last mistake to be forgiven. . .

the last wish to be granted. . .

and the last moments to be with arfah. . .

dats all the last things i wanna do. . .

but, the question is. . .

am i really going?

will i be gone forever?

will i be dead?

and sometimes i do wonder. . .

dat is. . .

will i be dead for good?

or for the worst?

wat do you people think?

well,

tell you wat. . .

i dun fuckin care!

say watcha wanna say. . .

coz. . .

who are you to me?

friends?

family?

anybody dat ma life concerns you?

wat do you care about me?

wat dere has in me dat meet your needs?

who am i to you?

wat do i have dat concerns you?

why do you care?

coz im your friend?

well,

are you really?

as far as im concerned. . .

no one has even regard me as a true fren. . .

and you're tellin me im your friend?

is dis another lie dat i have to believe?

are you even sure im your fren?

even if you said you are,

im not gona believe you. . .

i hate you!

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

i wanna go coz i have to. . .

but am i really goin?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

siow ah!

i still wanna enjoy life. so wat LIFE is SUCK? it is. i know. but, learn to live with it, damn it! and to you ppl who is startin to be believin of wat im sayin, you tot im for real? Crazy.

im juz crappin all along. . .

and you ppl actuali read all those stuff and started to be like, ''eh sial ah''. . .

hah...

wat are you thinkin of?

i still have arfah, mind you. . .

i still have ma frens ard. . .

ma 'fam'. . . rite. . .

but, the last thing i said i wanna do above is for real. . .

dat is, if i were to go. . .

to go, made by GOD's hands. . .

yea. . .

the above said bout frens are not real. . .

i do have frens n true frens. . .

but i duno wat im really bein treated. . .

hmmm. . .

some of the above said are for real and some are not. . .

up to you of which one to accept to be believed . .

i think im crappin all along. . .

and its bcoz im fuckin BORED!!!

its fun tho to write bout fictional stuff. . .

hah. . .

nwy,

ive been scolded seh. . .

by arfah. . .

*sob*

yelahyelah. . .

i'll move on wif life. . .

ok. . .

i talk too much. . .

confirm ppl scrollin sampai bawah giler. . .

haha. . .

screw you den. . .

takin care!

.:Fadhli<32>Arfah:.

rite. the time is 2.25am when ive den decided to write an entry. k. im so fucked up. specifically, its bout dnt. im totally stress up onto it. and evry each time i wud think of how are ma dnt been progressin, ma heart wud be pumpin real fast. gosh. i cant slp seh coz im worryin too much upon finishin ma folio. im doin it now anw. fucks. stress!. . .

-----------------

so today i didnt go for sch. in fact, ystdy. it has pass 12am oredi aint it. logic. nwy, after ma date with the doc at the hosp, went to sch for dnt. ervyone was like shocked to see me dere. fafa was like excited and were callin out ma name like she never see me for a long time. hah. rite. and so, i was diligently workin ma ass off sia onto ma artefact today. i mean, ystdy. and fucks. and i was sort of stuck along the way but got it figured out after such a long time. rite. so ma artefact is like 90% done. but like the other 10% will be long for me to make it. haiz. but for folio, im still sort of not on schedule. fucksfucksfucks. nwy ppl, smtg real strange were happenin in the workshop today. well, know wat, while me, man, amir and fafa were doin our own thing, sittin together at this one table in the workshop, screws, out from nowhere, keeps on hittin on us. it was like deliberately onto us. den i tot it was the guy from a diff class who is doin his work standin quite near us was the one throwin at us. he denied. after some time, he was hit too. thrice. we all den was like scoldin evryone in the workshop. no one admit it. den, for some time, it was ok. but it happen again after for a moment. it hit man's head. fafa got scared and went home eventuali. i counted the screws and there was 13 of them so far. me and dat guy reported it to a teacher and he was like scoldin ervyone too. said dat the culprit will be severely dealt with when he gets to find out who. still no one admits. den, ive rmbrd today will be a thurs night. superstition. it came to ma mind den dat it is from the 'thing'. you ppl know wat i mean. even Mr Nasir concluded the same. until now, the mystery remains unsloved. . . scary it was. . .

-----------------

so, anw, after dnt, went to mit arfah at cwp. i was so happy. spent some time together den off she went to her hse. haha. for the first time i rang her door bell. ahaks! i hope i get to mit her later. im missin her now. hah. and arfah, yesh, im your hubby. and you are ma wife! will always be..... haha... so we're married huh as wat you've said in ur last entry....

ok........

i love you, ma beloved W I F E!

ahaks...

-----------------

nwy, ive rmbrd. durin ma time in the hosp, the doc says i need to go for MRI test which it'll cost 800 bucks! fucks! i'd rather die sia. rather den lettin ma folks pay those bills. 'dad' once complained bout dis. and came to think bout it, i shud juz be dead. really. rather den troublin them and wastin the money for dis, for me. so wat if it cures me? financial crisis is wat occurrin to ma fam now and im addin on the salt. great. rite. i dun care. really. i juz dun wan to worsen their burden in dis fam. haiz. tah lah... shud i?shud i not?show me some signs. . .

~fucks la... i wana slp! fuckin folio. . .

.:Fadhli<32>Arfah:.

screwed up. i was stumblin all the time. fucks. i cudnt help maself but to juz keep on stumblin. wats wrong with me? i blew it off. its like, i dun even undastan words dat ma mouth speaks to them. i was crappin all along. from their expression, i cud tell dat they were bored. fucksfucksfucks. im dead. for dat moment, i wanted to kill them. as well as stabbin ma own heart too. im done for. maybe bcoz i dun get enuff luck from evryone. or was it i was too nervous till i cud feel dat ma heart is at ma throat? fucks. i need a time machine. really. i wanna start all over again. haiz. maybe, if i cud find the greatest scientist ever to turn back the time, dis can be done but still, for the record, i gona fail ma malay oral exam for sho' sia.....

-------------

so after dat, went to workshop for dnt. im quite done. all i need to do is to juz laquer ma artefact. den im totali done. weee! doin it tmw. yeayea. had fun in the workshop juz now. illah keeps on promptin me for help seh which is so annoyin! hahah. she keeps on like 'flirtaciously', askin me for help, which, disgust me totally! haha. and, we keep on disturbin each other like crazy. she juz cant stop pinchin me. damn it. hahha. all bcoz i didnt help her. nwy, i didnt help coz i was too damn tired sia. later den, had a short nap with fadzley on a couch in dis room next to the workshop. whoa. so comfortable sia. when i woke up, it came to ma mind dat im home. only to be shocked later dat i was actuali in sch. haha. stupid. den, packed things up and went home straight. wanted to take a nap again b4 it'll be maghrib, but mom told me to mit bro @ compass point to buy for the both of us of the bus concession. hah. mom was like panickin seh when she knew dat the due date is actuali ystdy. roite. duno why but she reprimanded us like as if we've done so wrong. haha. rite. . .

--------------

nwy, ppl, tmw i aint cumin to sch. got a check up again. rite. like, sial ah, sampai bile sak. like, when will the real results be out??? haiya. and do i really need to take that operation the doc once said? haiyo. nobody is fillin me in seh. and like also, tmw's appointment was like suddenly i was told. rite. is somebody trynna keep smtg from me??? wat sickness do i really have here? its like as if im havin SARS, with HIV and Aids and cancer plus bird flu carryin in me. haha. k. ive gone too far. maybe there's even like aint anything actuali i shud be worryin bout. guess this is all juz wild thoughts. haha. mepek! anw, gona miz ma homies in sch for sho. will they miz me too?haha. as if. so anw, now i know why suddenly hernie's not in sch ystdy. haha. she is juz

's i c k'. ok. and it'll take two weeks sia.....! haiyo. . . . .

nwy, to fafa, c'mon, dun get so uptight. im sorry i said those things. and also, you told me we're not thinkin the same way as you do. i admit, i dun. but seriously sometimes i do. maybe you dun realise it but ive tried to be dere for you in every way i cud. its not like i mean anything. its friendship-wise. so dun get the wrong idea. you know, i do concerned bout you sometimes bein too quiet or seems troubled. even how you've tried not to show it, i cud see. and, to tell you, you bein hot-tempered cud be resulted in the other way round. try to juz get hold onto urself and be cool. juz chill girl. . .

hope you be aite. . .

~i miz arfah tremendously...

.:Fadhli<32>Arfah:.

today was great. well, went for night study @ sch and guess wat, i only took about few mins studyin and den, went to parkour like i used to. its been long since im on the sch roof. hahah. it feels like as if it was a le_parkour fest juz now. hahaha. many ppl were wif the usual suspects. so, ma clan has grow. the population is growin. there were like 8 or 9 ppl parkour, includin us. the 3 of us. whoa. and its like so damn fuckin funny and kecoh sak. had real good time. hahahah. . .

--------------

sch was ok today. but nothing made ma day. and, i was kinda in a shocked when suddenly i didnt see hernie after recess when goin back to class. was told den she was sick. ok. get well soon ma dear fren. so, after sch, went to wgs. mit arfah. den, sent her home. had a good time but not really. coz i felt something was missin. hmm. rite. so i duno whether tmw i'll be mitin her as she wud be goin out wif hidir. rite! im so not jealous. well, k, i lied. i do. but wth la. im fine anw. . . roite. . .

--------------

im quite tired now coz sort of i juz got back home. haiya. need some rest but i'll col her first. oh yea. im colin her now. so im out. . .

takin the care ah ppl...

~and so today is ma 32th week wif arfah! weeeeee......! loves her. . .

.:Fadhli<32>Arfah:.

hah. rite. i think i'll be sick anytime sooner. i already feel real cold now. coz i played the rain . . . with arfah. haha. it was crazy juz now the moments we had spent. haha. yea. mit her today. and, she was crazy and i was too. haha. had a real good time with her.

-------------

and so, school was ok. and like, today for me was great. like, there's only 3 subjects for today. haha. but wth. brought many things with me. folio and all. talkin bout folio, the due date to be handed in is by end of this week. cool! woohoo! so, i have sufficient time to finish off anything that i shud. goodgood. ma artefact is gona be done. ma folio, im still somewhere ard 1/2 done. damn it. extra effort is all i need to put in order for it to be done on time. haiya. but, i must admit... im a pure lazy brat. haiz. malas sak. haha. but, still i have to do it. no choice. oh wth. . .

-------------

nwy, after i mit arfah, went back home la. where else. and, i sleep in da bus. i was so tired sia. but, guess wat, when i woke up, i found maself somewhere @ hougang oredi. haha! i actuali missed out the bus stop dat ive to alight. roite. den, i get down opp monfort sch. take bus 88 dere to home. and, guess wat. when i've alighted, coincidentally, it was rainin again. hahahaha. played the rain again! and like, dis one was like so damn heavy sia. i was damn drenched. haha. got home and only to see bro was enthusiastically rappin alone in front of the comp. hah. smangat kebabian. . .

-------------

nwy arfah, the part behind the block, the part we hugged under the 'rain' and was all wet, i felt i was spiderman! haha. the scene when Mary Jane Watson kissed Peter Prker when he was upside down. haha. really. and it was great tho.haha. cool. . .

and anw, thx for hatin me coz i hate you too. . . haha. . .

so finally you're startin to hate me too. . .

thanks...

-out-

.:Fadhli<31>Arfah:.

ok. so im goin johor today. gettin ready now. den maybe later on, goin out wif ma peeps. the usual suspects. dat is, maybe. but i hope i cud make it. so today purpose for the trip to johor basically because of anta kain buat untuk raye. haha. yea. i know. smangat kebabian. hahaha. rite. den, maybe, buyin for ma new air force sneaks! yeayea. i'll keep tryin to persuade them to buy if they dun let it. but anw, they have promised me to buy one after since the last one were lost. rite. cant wait. hah. . .

------------

whoa. seems like arfah had a real good damn fun ystdy. cool. she had fun while i dun. rite. ystdy, ppl, im sorry if any of you cum down but did not see me there. it was a last minute decision dat we aint gona be performin. well, basically, Beats Society was the one organisin the gig down at the library. but it clashed with the NorthWest CDC. a lil argument i think was happenin, so Beats Society decided to back out. den, those performers under Beats Society was told not to perform juz to be fair to them. we're one of the fam. so we didnt perform. sorry. . .

------------

ystdy, since me and bro aint performin, we had den a fam day out. went to hougang and all and it was pathetically borin. really. nothing made ma day ystdy. hah. i was so bored. but wth. . .

guess these are all only in ma mind now. i cant think of anymore to write about.. .. .. .. ..

so im out...

screw you if you expect the above entry to be more. who the fuck you think you are???

sorry to waste your time here. fuck off den. . .

.:Fadhli<31>Arfah:.

damn. i didnt go. i didnt go to the appreciation day @ wgs. i want to go so much. i want to see bro, and arfah too doin all the marchin, the parade and all. haiya. fucks. 'dad' wouldnt allow me to coz its like too early. i was like wtf. so wat sia. haiz. wateva. and so, im rottin @ home. no one awakes. mum went for work, bro to sch, sis and 'dad' slpg in the room. no food to eat here. dat means, i aint havin ma breakfast. rite. and im hungry. but wth. nvm. . .

-------------

nwy, went jammin ystdy. and you ppl know wat?dere's a new member in the band. you know who? its Selina Kyle. yes. fafa. she's in our band. still fedora 11 is wat we're called. she's the vox. cool. and yea, had a real good time spendin in the studio. but wats really the best to me was when we're playin the song 'ransom letter' by Pug Jelly. ma mind was all about arfah when we're playin it. it all like came to a flashback in me when i close ma eyes. rmbrin back in those times when we're startin makin out bein together, esplanade and all. hah. i was mezmerisin. . .

-------------

nwy, ppl, i didnt know ma class thinks dat im the handsome one in the class. rrriiiittteeee. went to ma class friendster. dats wat they wrote bout me. '

Nizam = Fadhli = Handsome'.

rite. im not!

wateva. to me, im juz like some geek dat so cocked up with everything in life. haha. rite. a geek dat has made arfah fallen for him. ahaks. . .

-------------

nwy, peeps, im havin a performance today. its ard 3. happenin down @ Jurong Regional Library. im so nervous. hope i'd make it dope...... haiya. . .

-out now-

~i miz arfah...

.:Fadhli<31>Arfah:.

racial harmony. today was racial harmony. many peeps were wearin traditional costumes and all. hah. it was crazy. photo-takin especially. and like, whoa, many girls (no offense arfah) in school wanted to take pics with me. rite. even the ones i dun know wanted to take with me. rite. it was wack. ma class was kecoh too sak. many times durin the change over of lessons, we took the advantage to take photos. haha. many of the teachers around seems to be irritated. but, we dun give a damn. hah. ma eng teacher, he's lame. and, we called him either 'ustaz' or the 'tok kadi'. haha. coz he wears songkok. one point of time, i, in fact, ma class, overheard the next class greets him in malay. like, ''slamat pagi cikgu roy.'' hahahha. we all burst and laugh our ass off like hell. of coz la, only the malays laughed. all the chinese were in daze. blur sotong. hah. kinda shocked like suddenly we all laughed. hah. oh yes! i took a photo with the girl dat once i had a crushed on. a chinese girl. hahaha. ma heart was like beatin real fast man. we didnt even like talk in school. and now we're suddenly takin a photo together. rite. haha. nwy, i didnt take a photo wif hernie seh. intention was dere but... nvm. i didnt saw her when i was in the canteen. haiz. but nvm. wat past has past. . .

------------

went up to c arfah den. but like, not intentionally, suddenly ma legs carried me to wgs. i was to go home. tired and all. but, hah, went to wgs suddenly. mit ma sweetheart. i was glad and real happy. i miss her. and anw, its our 7mths today. yeayeayea. thankyouthankyou. i know. 'Congrats to us!' haha. rite. bought her a lil smtg. smtg dat i dun think its expected. im sure she were shocked. hahah. and, somehow, when im huggin her juz now, i feel different. different in a way dat i cudnt find words to describe. but it was special somehow. hah. i love her. . .

------------

got home den and now im bloggin. thanks for wastin your time readin the entry above. you can get lost now. . . . .

expect it to be more? who the fuck you think you are?...

rite. . .

.:Fadhli<31>Arfah:.

school kinda seem so borin and tirin nowadays. really. sucky. and, im startin to have mock exams and seems like everday i do. haiz. stresso! and, damn it. dnt due date is end of this week. which is tmw is ma only day to finish off everything. and dat everything is artefact and folio. fucks. ma folio only like 1/2 done. damndamndamn! and, ma artefact is about to finish oredi. hopefully tmw i'd get to finish it totally. haiya. . .

-------------

and so, didnt get to mit up wif arfah today. sucks. she was wif her frens. rite. and ya, arfah, we cant be mitin tmw. im sorry. but, if deres gona be any changes or wat, i'll juz call. . .

-------------

nwy, seems like nowadays im like in no mood for school. ive always been like keepin quiet at most of times. even wan like asked me at this one point of the time dat why i've been so. i juz smiled. hah. rite. so anw, had pizza for dinner. cool. its been long since i had one. goody. . .

ya. . . nwy, ppl, like finally, ive a fren here in sengkang! well, its ma neighbour actuali. the story goes like this. . .

i was in ma bed, about to have a good slp. suddenly, ma sis called out for me and said the neighbour wanted to see me. i was pretty shocked and in daze of why the sudden. the mom talked to me and said her son wanna borrow a baju kurung from me coz tmw is racial harmony. hah. and so, let them in and i actuali let him went into ma room too. we talked like we've known each other since a very long time ago sia. haha. after such quite a long time, he finally chose one. and dat is the brown one. ma fav one. hah. rite. den, suddenly, he open up a topic bout ncc. he's in too. said he saw me @ HQ b4 but wateva. den, talked about guitars and songs. seems like we have things in common. hah. he sat down in ma room and at the balcony in front of the com, and chilled for some time. it was cool. like, finally, i have a fren here. thank god! haha. . . roite. . .

------------

hmm. so, i cant think of anything right now of wat to write anymore. hah. rite. and its like, im thinkin of arfah now actuali. . . i miz her. . . . . . . . .

im out now. . .

.:Fadhli<31>Arfah:.

ok. so today in sch was kinda great. all becoz the times spent for dnt juz now dat make ma day. haha. had fun. and ppl, guess wat. . . ma artefact will gona be finish soon! yay! im juz 3/4 done. hah. rite. but, ma folio still messed up. i mean, im not leali up until to the part where supposingly everyone have to be. rite. damn it. mls sak nak buat folio. i prefer practical seh. haiya. nwy, thx to fafa dat my pants got wet. she jumped to a puddle of the rain water at the quadrangle and it splashed out to me and din! damn it fafa! you're so gona get it one fine day!. . .

------------

after sch, as always, met arfah but its @ int. and yea, indeed we meet today. i was so happy. i miz her so much. hugged thrice coz one aint enuff. hah. rite. after draggin some time, she has to be home den. kissed her gdbye and off she went. haiz. im missin her now too. and so i duno will we be meetin tmw. hope we will. im callin her later anw. . .

------------

ystdy, i went to a weddin ceremony. hernie's. her bro, i mean, was gettin married. saw some of my 'sdare jauh' dere too. when they like saw me, they gave me the expression of like a 'i-saw-you-somewhere' look. haha. n anw, there's somtg i find funny durin the ceremony. its when the time i was takin ma food. guess wat. i took rice, but with no other dishes on ma plate. hah! like, i ate only rice, and dis dish dat got pineapple in it. so its like, i ate 'pineapple rice'. hah. rite. i was sort of late. cant be blame den. and nwy, somehow, i find hernie look gorgeous once i saw her. . . hah. . .

------------

oh yea. b4 i went for dat weddin, i went to ride a bike with ma siblings. and i mean, ride as in im the one who is drivin! damn it was fun. its a sport bike and im like accelerate it fast ard ma estate. haha. it was great! it legally i know but who cares?? hah. rite. so, yea, i know how to ride a motorcycle oredi!!! hell yea. . .

-out-

.:Fadhli<30>Arfah:.

-*holdin on strong forever*-

ive been rottin. rottin at home all day long. i was supposingly to be outside - to baybeats, happening @ esplanade. damn i didnt go. at first i was anxious and excited to go despite my condition. but den, when dis aftern chatted with azni and told her i'll be gettin out, arfah den forbids me to. but somehow later den she said if i wanted to, i can juz go. but it was den im in the position to go or not to go. and so ive decided not to. i started to feel lazy and like, ma room has to be tidy up. really. ma room looks like it juz have been rob or smtg. hahaha. damn. it's in mess. total shit. had tidied it up oredi now. b4 i get to work on it, i took a nap for some time. i had a dream. and its bout arfah, again. in the dream, somehow i cud feel her touch and all seh. haiz. seems like i really does missin her huh. . .

------------

to someone who loves green colour, nick as kingkong, and hates chocolates, juz wana say i have faith in you. somehow, i know one day you two will be together. juz go for it. it'll be great for you both to be together, i can tell. yea, good luck on dat. . .

to ma one and only, dear darling, cute arfah, i miz you too. really. and i cant wait for us to be meetin again some time. monday is it the time we're really meetin? you sure? coz i dun think i wud wana disturb you havin ur 'date'. . . *ahaks*. k. im kiddin. if its a date, i'll. . . . . you know wat i'll do...

------------

kk, ppl! guess wat, ma 'dad' juz gave me a letter. and you know who is it from? the Ministry Of Defence! damn! its bout National Service. haiya. im only 16 and i got the letter oredi?? haiz. i duno why but somehow im trembling. hah. so hey guys, tell me bout it if you guys/gays too have got the letter aite...

there's nothing else for me to say anymore i supposed. so takin the care ah. . .

-out-

.:Fadhli<30>Arfah:.

-*holdin on strong forever*-

plain. its plain again. i dun find anything interestin in school. damn. think there is. but i cant rmbr. maybe its juz me dat i dun let it be interestin. like they say, 'nothing will happen unless you make the difference'. rite. ppl, guess wat. something's wrong with ma mind. specifically, ma brain. its like, i found out dat as days passes by, its hard for me to even like rmbr a thing. sometimes, i'd forget the things happennin juz a few mins ago. damn. scary. and like, with dis, i realised sometimes i've been not noticin frens all ard me are bein ignored. i dun seem to know wat are ma actions. haiz. and now, guess im runnin down a fever. and, im sure its burnin ma brain. . . .

------------

didnt meet arfah today. damn it. i wanted to. but i was like sick. i didnt really care bout ma condition tho. but, the bad headache i had juz makin me to be restin @ home. im sorry arfah. if i cud, den i wud. i'll get stuck some other day when we're meetin again. haha. i miss her tremendously already. rite. but im gona call her later on. well, ppl, i cant think of anything more to write about. so, i'll end here. . .

-out-

.:Fadhli<30>Arfah:.

-*holdin on strong forever*-

so guess wat. i went to school ridin a motorbike. my 'dad' sent me. had a sort of a wild ride. he accelerates the throttle till it was 160km/h. daaanngg. it was crazy. and know what? my tissue packet fell out of my pocket seh along the way at the highway. damn. sobs*... rite. its been long since i ever ride onto a bike. great. and like, it was the first time ever in my secondary school life, my 'dad' sent me to school. rite. so, school as usual. but only dat i dun feel quite rite. its becoz im sick i think. i find my day in school today so plain. rite. so, after the bell rang to indicate dat school's over, went up to see arfah. i'd waited for nearly an hour. well, im used to it already anw. rite. so, the meetin was like for a while. juz sent her home and den, went home la. where else. and, met bro along the way. so, sort of im goin back sengkang wif bro. its been long since we went back home together. there's nothing much really to talk about. coz, today was like soooo plain for me. rite. so, maybe you ppl who are readin this, has juz wasted your time here. you should thank me. but anw, what do i care? should i even have to? think about it. only if you're arfah, i wud care. hah. rite. im so devoted to her. nwy, arfah, let's get stuck again some time... haaa... rite!

-out-

.:Fadhli<30>Arfah:.

-*holdin on strong forever*-

its sucky. im sucky. i feel sucky. really. in school today, i spent most of the times keepin ma mouth shut. i cudnt speak. i didnt even have the mood to really talk to a person. i was moody somehow. many of ma classmates came up to me and askin me wats wif me. i juz kept maself quiet. its really dat i duno wats wif me. like, its a sudden im in no mood to even look at someone.

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time passed and so school ended. i went to fafa, din, sai and all to apologise for which i hadnt been maself and im forgiven. went to wgs den. how much ma emotions gettin into me, to be meetin wif arfah is still like a must. i have to see her. i wanna see her. and so i did. somehow, i smiled. and dat happened juz when its the sight of her. i was a lil happy den. but still ive got no mood. we den went to watched a movie which we had planned since last week. and so, its Fantastic Four. it's really fantastic. i was enlightened den when i started to be cuddlin her durin the movie. so, guess im ok now. somehow, she has made me happy. and i thank you for dat, arfah. . .

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i duno why, but i feel like im such an ass today. the part when i was moody in the theatre, i know i wud be ruinin the moments im spendin with her. i will spoil her day and fun, sort of. i know i cant be moody all the way so i juz makes it an enjoyable one as possible. but i dont know if i did.

hope so. . .

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somehow, i feel like i dont even know wat im sayin above. do you all undastan? maybe im juz still crappin ard again. haiz. . .

im out. takin the care ah. . .

.:Fadhli<30>Arfah:.

-*holdin on strong forever*-

rite. im beginnin to not undastan with ppl ard me. wats wrong with them? or is it juz me? huh? im lost. why ppl are reactin dat way to me? everytime i'd come to a person, 1st thing i get was an expression of a face dat doesnt me wanna be ard. next thing, i wud get either the word 'get lost' or juz 'fuck off and fuck you'. rite. thx. guess i need it. . .

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things are back like the old times. it aint aite. things might get wrong. im havin wild thoughts now. im worryin and im wonderin. and, m i in need actuali? m i even her bf? she's like makin me feel dat im not. rite. now its startin back. we can stop from it to happen. but i duno how. rite. maybe dis is juz me and prolly, dere's nothing really dat till i shud be talkin bout dis. some explaining will do but please, no lies. she'd promised. she seems troubled over some stuff bout her clique of frens. but i dun undastan. and, i dont know what both parties tryin to do. haiz. seems like im troubled too. . . rite. y'all know wat i mean.

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i wish to help. its ok if i can't. but, cud you at least get the bottom of it and ends once and for all rather den lettin it affectin you and . . . even me? us? im worried for you. wat i meant by sayin you're lyin to me on the phone juz now is dat, when i asked you 'are you okay?' you said 'ya'. but it isnt. so my instinct was true. convince me if you have to and at least let me know you're ok. . . don't lie to me anymore. im here for you anytime. . .

take care. . .

c you tmw. . .

.:Fadhli<30>Arfah:.

well. im still pissed. can't help it. dat was ma favourite shoe of all. damn it. why muz dis happen? 169 bucks juz gone like a snap of fingers. rite. buyin new one soon. haiz. . .

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had oral today. it was . . . ok, i guess. i was crappin frankly. i blurted out many things dat was quite mepek. i juz do it of wat ma mind was speakin. cant be blame. i was real nervous. i was real numb. and like, i was like the-last-of-the-last-guy ever to leave ma school hall. i was alone. dats why i was so tensed. damn. sayin out prayers many times. haiz. hope i did well. and after oral, met hernie outside school. she had her mock exam. like, somehow, i cud juz talk to her. no heavy words. no nothing. i juz talk. hah. rite. we chat for some time. den, arrivin at int, i alighted the bus. arfah suddenly came into ma mind so i called her juz to ask where cud she be. thought she's home but found out later she's bein at swensens with her frens havin some ice cream. i was glad coz, i'll be able to see her! ma LUCK. so, we did see each other. rite. . .

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sat down with her for some time. and ahem2. and i was sick ah. damn. i hate to cough. and she wanna be sick too. haiya. but she's not. can't help it. you're too strong, honey. maybe i'll do it in times again and again until u get it ah. hows dat?? ... hmm. rite. i dont think im doin it anymore. hehe. . .

had 'fun' too. glad to see you again. im soooo glad. and so, tmw, ma appointment with the doc was cancelled. duno why. so ya. guess dats all.

-out-

.:Fadhli<29>Arfah:.

great. a pair of my Nike AirForce Dunk shoes has been stolen. nice job ar. thx. . .

*FUCK YOU, WHOEVER YOU ARE! I'VE CURSED YOU AND IM SURE YOU'LL BE DEAD REAL SOON!

takin the care ah...

thanks for ruinin my day. thanks for spoilin the fun im havin of the day. thanks for stealin the shoes. thanks for your time juz to make me be angry. thank you thank you. i appreciate your concern and actions. thanks for everything you've done. you're the best! REALLY. thx a LOT. . .

haiz. . .

~im not myself anymore...

.:Fadhli<29>Arfah:.

here's another entry of the day bein made by me again. aren't you ppl sick at all? if you willin to read den pls go on. if you don't, simply juz fcuk off. and well, i can't believe i juz said dat. not to any particular person or anythin was i bein mad at. trust me, im not okay. im not positive that im alright. but, seems like im able to live with it. no one got hurt, aint it? so dun worry. i know there'll be some stupid-damn-blur ppl who is readin dis now knows nothing wat im talkin about. but wat do i care? that's the prob with you. handle it urself. . .

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nothing in school today was unusual. same old routine daily. boredom is all i encountered. nothing great. nothing fun. n so, fyi, this comin monday of next week is the day i will have a butterfly stuck in my stomach. the day i will be havin my 'N' level oral. damn it. i kept askin myself, ''am i prepared at all?'' and now i think i have the answer. NO. but a lil do i have. but still there's no assurrance that im fully prepared. wat m i doing? the weird thing is i feel different and uneasy, and it seems like im troubled over something. but frankly, i doubt there's anything. i don't know wat is wrong with me. strange. it occurs to me once in a while. its all juz came unexpectedly. i'll be fine after some time. i do wonder myself, am i crapping around again?... gosh. and i don't know, really...

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got home straight after school. chill for some time and im off outside again. went to wlds stadium. an event happenin there - WGS 6th annual sports meet. saw my cute lil girl runnin for her event. tell you, she was real cute. i was smilin away. few mins passed and its time. time to watch wat ive been expectin. bro's event. and, his team got in 1st! it's been long since ive seen him runnin and when i saw him runnin on the track, i was impressed. i cheered for him like some lost, crazy guy. he was fast. his team made a good teamwork. dats the spirit. credits should not juz goes to my bro. should be all. i congratulate each of them. and, ya, im proud of my bro. so, he has yet to face another challenge. a race battle of his team against mine. wally west is lookin forward for this. and i can't wait either. hmm. talkin bout wally, he have found his 'linda park'. i mean, i should say, he have found himself a girl. a steady girlfriend. he seems totally devoted to her. im glad. and ya, congrats wally...

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chat for some time with my lil girl at the underground hallway. and really, i miss her very much. didn't had the chance to hug her today. damn! well, my folks was around. and i have to go home with them. not arfah. haiz. im sorry dear. if i cud, den i wud. n ya, you're real cute out dere while runnin....

*smiles*

-out-

.:Fadhli<29>Arfah:.

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went to watch a movie wif arfah today @ causeway point. i must admit, the movie was kinda boring. but dats not the real deal to me. wat matters to me was dat, i got to spent the time with her and juz her, alone. she has made my day. in school today, i actuali fought wif my dnt teacher. i ended up throwin tantrums by shoutin and cursin the school while on my way back to the classroom. was real mad. nobody dare to talk to me. and, fortunately, no one got hurt as i juz kept forcin myself to cool down n b quiet. time passed and school's over, went to wgs. a smile was bein put up on my pathetic face juz when i saw arfah from afar. she's the key of my happiness, to say...

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so im home and writin dis entry juz as i finished readin arfah's entry. she seems to be troubled because of friends dat she usually hang out with aint being dat close to her anymore. and, her probs seems familiar and its rather identical as mine. and all i wanted to say now is juz dat, situations like this is juz because of merely taking things for granted. that's the bottom line. it's either one of the party juz maybe don't really notice it or practically IS taking things for granted. something must be done to make a difference. but dun waste time to do it if things are obviously known dat it wud all cum back to the same. no point and it aint helps if the other party are not bein cooperative. sucks i know. but this is life. thats how it does...

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suddenly feelin all alone now. im started to feel which i havent been for the past few years. the feelin has cum back. but does anyone noticed? but does anyone care? but would anything matter? days seems to be short but yet so far. i feel like im lost. wud you take me with you and show me the way. . . ?

~i feel useless all of a sudden...

.

.:Fadhli<29>Arfah:.

it's bout an hour time and another fresh new day will it become. and that day durin school time will i have to spend wisely in order examinations im having soon will be prepared. right. but seems like the feelin of laziness inside me have got me fully controlled over of not to. i can't seem to help it. attitude sucks. i know. so now its juz bout 55% im ready to face the real challenge for this year. but really, i feel so lazy. it concerns the life of my future and i dun seem to be care less either? damn it. i need a slap. maybe 5. would anyone pleased to help me? if there's no one den guess i'll rather pull the trigger off right through the hole of my mouth before the tribute comes. haiz...

.

*WAKE UP FADHLI!*

-out-

.:Fadhli<29>Arfah:.

hey people people....

im sorry for my absence for the past 13 days...

com was messed up and i have to reboot it. damn. all because of dis one stupid virus. many of my files are all deleted. damn it. the photos, songs, documents... haiz. so its ok now and my com is afresh. it really feels like i juz bought dis com ystdy seh. rite. so i have to upgrade many things and update as well. haiz. so many things to be done. to read especially arfah's previous entries, fafa's too, apen's, wan's, check on my mail, friendster, and catch things up with the ppl i dun c but know them in msn. haiz. miss them...

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so many things have been happening for the past 13 days. hmm. bout the hiphop gig thingy, well, its actuali was held @ ZOUK. performed well. all went good but wrong theme. im lazy to explain so if you all dun get wat i meant by wrong theme, den screw you. juz try to get wat i mean aite. den, the audition i had with my band was good too. went well. got good comments. but i duno bout the results yet. seems like wan didnt say antg bout it. hmm. for the past week, it wasnt dat borin for me at all. coz i had the chance to mit arfah! haha. rite. hmm. last sunday, went to kembangan for dis hiphop gig. many of my homies performin. but damn, i didnt watch any coz i came crashin down late. only had the chance to see Riffy's performance. he's great. rite..

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so, school's today was sort of great. kinda borin ah actuali but it's cool. today like dont study much. most of it like revision and self-study. right. and bout dnt, i gona finish my artefact off soon and like i cant wait sia. and, i pitied mizah. her's was bein rejected seh. haiyo. and she has to start all over again. but im sure she is determine to catch it up. i have faith in her. rite. nwy, talkin bout self-study and all, i actuali have to be in the night study class tonight. but i didnt go. hah. rite. fafa was kinda mad. but who cares rite. haha. so, nwy, the team is still on. i mean, the unity of superheroes and villians. we're still tight. so far no fights and all. good. hmm. there's ;ea;i many things i wana write bout but seems like my laziness have cum over me. haha. till next time den...

im out...

-*PROMISE*-

.:NizamFadhli<29>SitiNorarfah:.